I already know a bit about the film before starting. I know it’s from the 80’s and starring Kurt Russell. I know it’s about a group of people somewhere cold who somehow come into contact with—you guessed it—a thing. This thing is not nice and it can take on the form of any living organism. I check Rotten Tomatoes and it’s certified “Fresh” (Rotten Tomatoes is not the gospel for me , but it’s usually a pretty good indicator). I start the movie.
Minor Spoilers Ahead (at least first 30 minutes of film)
The first thing I take of note of is in the credits: Ennio Morricone is the film composer, which is odd for a John Carpenter film, but exciting because Morricone has written some amazing scores (including a little thing called The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly theme). Now of course I realize that this movie won’t exactly have many places for a grand, sweeping score like The Untouchables or Cinema Paradiso, but Morricone does his job well. The score is consistent, understated, and absolutely assists the mood and momentum of the film.
A flying saucer is heading toward earth. Wait, what? Is this set in the 1950s? Apparently, no. It’s 1982. A helicopter flies over Antarctica searching for something. The helicopter seem to be following a dog. Doggie! Then one of the men pulls out a gun and starts shooting at the dog. I am upset, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I had that breed of dog as a child. Nothing at all...
It turns out that the “group of people somewhere cold” is a scientific research team (and a sausage fest). These guys are busy doing unscientific, male things: drinking, playing ping pong, getting angry at women—when they are distracted by the canine killing helicopter headed toward them. The helicopter, which they recognize to be Norwegian, lands and the two men get out. The pilot drops a grenade he intended to kill the dog with, promptly blowing himself up—along with the helicopter. Being a LOST fan, I call this "pulling an Artz". The other Norwegian with the gun tries to get the dog away from the team, but is unable to communicate in English. And even though he sounds terrified, I’m assuming that the Americans just hear the Swedish Chef. When he starts shooting again, he is promptly shot by the station commander.
Although Team America wants to dismiss the Nordic incident as “cabin fever” and play with their new canine companion, they cannot reach anyone on the outside world (Horror Requirement # 1) so the doctor and the pilot fly over to the Norwegian camp to use their radio. But when they arrive, the camp has gone to hell—which probably means no radio—so now they have to bring back something cool to make up for it. Meanwhile, the dog wanders the station with shifty eyes while the chef, who is a black man (Horror Requirement # 2) roller-blades, listens to Stevie Wonder, and defies the white man--stereotypical chef things.
At this point it's safe to say I no longer trust the dog. I guess I never did, but seeing what happened at the Norwegian camp and how vehemently they wanted to kill the dog only affords two explanations—1) The dog destroyed the camp or 2) The dog knew too much (like Norway’s missile launch codes or something). I’m going with the first one.
The two men who went to radio return, and they have indeed brought something back. What it is, however, is hard to define. It seems to be a burnt and mangled corpse, but it has two heads and doesn't seem quite human. As they unload the bizarre remains from their chopper, the dog watches from a window, saying “Shit! I knew I should have hid that better”. Okay, the dog doesn't say anything—but that dog looks goddamn guilty.
A good ole’ autopsy confirms what I suspected: The body is —what? Normal? It seems to be normal on the inside? Normal?? Look at it!! Despite my suggestion, the scientists say “that’s enough weird stuff for one day” and resume guy stuff: drinking, playing pool, playing poker. When the dog spooks the researcher (who seems to be suffering PTSD from being grazed by a bullet), they ask their sled-dog handler to put him away with the other dogs. As soon as the handler leaves, the shifty looking dog begins transforming into the stuff of nightmare (again, attempting to destroy my childhood).
The men are alarmed by the sound of the other dogs getting their asses handed to them, so they grab their flamethrowers and head on down to the kennel. Yes, the scientists have flamethrowers because awesome. No more questions, this is a horror movie. So after a second disgusting autopsy, the doctors determine that the dog is actually a thing. It is a life form that can absorb and then perfectly imitate any other life form…including people. Cue Paranoia.
I don’t really want to go into detail about the rest of the film, telling you who the Thing poses as, if anyone survives, if there any more doggies or Norwegians—because I would like you to watch it. The special effects are fantastic (in a sickening sort of way), but the gripping tension of “who can I trust?” holds up as well.
The Thing did not do well at the box office, but I think the fact that it was competing with E.T. The Extra Terrestrial and Blade Runner may have had something to do with it.
Additional ramblings
· This film bares strong resemblances to The Shining (cold, no radio, wielding of axes) and Alien, which also did a fantastic job of the monster being scary when you don’t see it AND scary when you do. Note: Both of these films predate The Thing. If you have not seen either one, please do—if only for pop cultures’ sake.
· Kurt Russell auditioned for Han Solo, but lost the role to Harrison Ford (who starred in Blade Runner. Hmm…)
· There are two doctors in this film (and two black people. Carpenter clearly overstocked on his Horror Requirements). One of the doctors was a founding member of A.C.T in San Francisco; the other is the guy on TV who tells you about Diabetes.
· If you think movies are mindless entertainment, and you would rather have your neurons firing while you crap your pants, then you are in luck! The Thing is based on the 1938 science fiction novella Who Goes There? by John W. Campbell Jr.
